Are you the parent of an estranged child?
Would you like some ideas that might help?
Parenting doesn’t always go the way we planned.
When your adult child is out of touch, it is an emotionally painful experience.
I stumbled upon Tina Gilbertson’s insightful Guide and found many of her tips helpful to any parent struggling with this issue.
In this interview, Tina sheds some light on what parents can do to help themselves and begin reconciling with their adult children.
Please meet Tina Gilbertson!
Tina, can you briefly introduce yourself to the readers who may not know you?
Sure! I’m a Portland, Oregon-based psychotherapist and the author of the electronic Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children, as well as a traditionally published book, Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them.
What inspired you to write the Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children?
I started my career as a therapist with no particular knowledge of parent-child estrangement, but I kept hearing from clients who had cut off their parents, often without telling them why. So a few years ago, I wrote an article for parents that spelled out some of what I’d learned and posted it on my website.
The response to that article was overwhelming; parents’ comments and stories started pouring in.
I could feel how much pain these parents were in, but they weren’t coming in to see me for therapy. So I put all the compassion I felt for parents and all the information I had that could potentially help them in writing, and it became the Guide.
What should parents be aware of to avoid estrangement with their adult children?
First, don’t panic if they start to pull away from you. Most parent-child estrangements are temporary; they only get drawn out when both parents and children develop hard feelings toward each other.
Stay calm and remain focused on your child’s happiness and well-being (including their necessary independence from you), and be consistent with your personal boundaries.
Don’t offer money as an incentive to stay connected; that’s a recipe for resentment.
Be a good listener when your child talks; listening is a gift that’s hard to resist.
Above all, be aware of your emotional needs and ensure you meet them somewhere other than your kids. They’ll feel safer being close to you if they don’t sense that you need them to fill you up inside. And you’ll feel more secure if your human needs for affection and appreciation are met somehow.
What strategies do you suggest to help parents have more self-compassion when their children are estranged?
Don’t take your child’s desire for distance as a reflection of your worth. If you know you made mistakes, join the club! Every parent makes mistakes.
Apologize if necessary for falling short of meeting their needs. Then apologize to yourself for the fact that your needs haven’t always been met, either.
We all start out with an empty bucket and rely on important others to fill it. It’s impossible to give more than you have in your bucket; you can’t give what you don’t have.
Focus on being an adult child yourself, and speak softly to yourself when you feel sad, angry, disappointed or lost.
Can you explain the importance of parents getting their personal needs met?
You won’t feel strong and good about yourself if you’re coming from an unmet need. From that place, you can’t deal with any relationship problem effectively.
Every harsh word, every unreturned phone call or email, will activate more self-criticism, shame, and misery.
If estrangement becomes entrenched, you will need inner resources to stay calm and centered for the long haul. Rewards may be few and far between for a long while.
Trying to survive this without having your emotional needs met is like trying to cross the desert without water. Not a good idea.
What tips do you have for parents attempting to reconcile with their adult children?
Be patient. Calm and steady wins the race. Parenting is not a sprint but a marathon that continues throughout life.
If things seem to go well for a while and then go bad again, don’t despair. Remember, the tide goes both in and out as it goes up the beach.
Avoid looking to your adult child for affection, appreciation, or other emotional resources; they don’t have those to give you now if they’re estranged. DO get those needs met elsewhere.
Don’t let a focus on your child(ren) distract you from your personal growth. Get therapy or seek emotional support from compassionate friends or family members.
Drugs and alcohol use adds to the complexity of the problem. What suggestions do you have for parents struggling with this issue as well?
Recognize that not everyone who uses substances becomes addicted to them, so if your adult child is experimenting, treat them as though they have a functioning brain and the will to succeed in life without drugs. Research has shown a tendency for people to live up to the expectations we have of them.
However, if your child has become lost in full-blown addiction, your expectations are a moot point. It’s time to seek outside help. Addiction is a bigger problem than you can or should deal with alone. Search for solutions through local authorities such as churches, hospitals, and social services.
For people who are addicted to them, drugs and alcohol take the place of family. The only loyalty is to the drug. As expected a side effect as this may be, it’s still incredibly painful for parents. I recommend therapy if at all possible.
What other support options are available for parents?
In many areas, calling 2-1-1 will connect you with local social services information. You can also try calling The United Way for ideas. Of course, Al-Anon is a wonderful place to connect with others who can understand your position, and also learn about local resources.
Visit Tina’s website to find out more about the Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children.
Tina Gilbertson, LPC, DCC is an author, speaker, teacher, and therapist based in Portland, Oregon. In addition to writing a regular column on PsychologyToday.com, Tina’s advice has appeared in dozens of magazines and newspapers, including Health magazine, Fast Company, and the Chicago Tribune. She has a private therapy practice and speaks on a variety of personal growth topics, including emotional literacy, assertiveness, and self-esteem.
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