Shame is like a prison. But a prison that you deserved to be in because something is wrong with you. ~ Brené Brown
Do you tend to feel more guilt or shame when doing something wrong?
Brené Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, discusses shame and its effects on our lives. I found her section about addiction particularly interesting.
I felt shame when I first learned we were dealing with substance use. I doubted myself and wondered how our family had gotten into this situation.
And yet, we all feel shame at some point in our lives. We tend to respond with either shame or guilt in any given situation. It makes us feel humiliated and uncomfortable because of something we did wrong. We lose our self-respect. We may feel mortified and embarrassed and want to pull back and be alone.
Addiction and shame go hand in hand. It is hard to understand where one starts and the other ends. Addiction leaves us powerless, isolated, and unworthy when our kids struggle. There is a strong sense of secrecy and silence about substance use disorder. It is easier to hide and not talk about it.
We all experience shame. It is an absolutely universal emotion. ~ Brené Brown
Children can feel one emotion over another at an early age. Family influence plays a significant role in how a child views himself. Shaming or putting down someone does not change their behavior.
A child who feels shame may start to act out or shut down as shame becomes part of their nature. If a child is repeatedly humiliated by someone they look up to, it can often turn into shame. Let your child frequently know that they are a good, capable person. You can then remind them that their action is not acceptable or appropriate. That approach gives a child a healthier outlook rather than a lifetime of struggle.
Most of us are grateful to our parents, who taught us that being open and receptive to how the world looks to others helps us avoid shame.
When we feel guilt, we tell ourselves, “I did something bad.” Guilt is about our behavior, and we focus on that behavior. For example, if we miss work because we stayed out late drinking, we may think that we could lose our jobs. We would problem-solve, correct the mistake, and move on.
The shame is, “I am bad.” When we feel shame, it is about who we are, and we tell ourselves we are not worthy because of what we’ve done. In the same example, if we miss work because of a night of drinking, we become overwhelmed, cannot problem-solve, and therefore cannot plan to do things differently. We become stuck, disconnected, and unable to move forward. We may then repeat the behavior to relieve our shame.
Shame forces us to place so much value on what others think that we lose ourselves trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. We think of ourselves as defective. We feel flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging.
People who are more prone to feel shame rather than guilt have a higher risk of addiction.
Then, when we are addicted, we feel shame about our addiction. It is a vicious cycle that is tough to change, but not impossible. As we know, many people have recovered from addiction and gone on to live healthy, rewarding lives.
I consider my journey in recovery to be one of the greatest gifts of my life. ~ Brené Brown
Three to four family members are often negatively affected by a family member’s substance use. They believe keeping the family running smoothly is up to them, which may worsen matters. The resulting family behavior of trying to make everything better may be as harmful as the original problem of addiction that the family was attempting to correct.
That’s why it’s important to seek outside help when a family member is struggling with addiction.
People who tend to feel shame can change and learn to feel guilt, which is a healthier emotion.
Here are four ways to become more shame-resistant.
Courage
There is no more powerful relationship than the one that exists between fear and shame. Shame leads to fear, and fear leads to shame. When we fear disconnection, we become afraid of many things. It takes courage to tell our addiction story and all that we have gone through with others. When we do, it brings us closer to letting go of our shame and reconnecting with others.
Connection
We heal through our connections with others. Involving ourselves with others in a similar situation, such as addiction, allows us to support each other and learn from others’ experiences. We develop a social network with connections and gain power when encountering others in the same situation. We move from being disconnected to being connected to others.
Compassion
This is a necessary part of feeling empathy. We are willing to hear someone else’s pain. We don’t have to be born compassionate. Being understanding and loving to others is a commitment we can make. Be willing to practice listening and understanding another person’s painful stories. We can feel compassion for someone else’s story if we accept it with all its flaws. Compassion is not about healing the other person. Compassion is about two similar people listening to each other.
Empathy
Responding to others in a meaningful and caring way is the most vital remedy for shame. Being empathetic allows us to use our own experiences to connect with someone’s story and to see, hear, and feel another’s situation. When we understand, share others’ feelings, or put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we connect on a deeper level. People who can resist feeling shame can both give and receive empathy.
The bottom line is that empathy is essential for building meaningful and trusting relationships which is something we all want and need. ~ Brené Brown
Thank you for reading. You can get more tips in my email newsletter. Every other week, I share tips and ideas to help parents motivate their son or daughter to change if they are struggling with substance use. Join us by entering your email now.
