Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first. ~ Matthew Jacobson
Are you frustrated because you worked hard and thought you were an effective parent, and yet your child continues to struggle?
Being an effective parent is something most people aspire to, and yet what is it really? What makes that key difference between raising a successful, happy child through to adulthood and having one who struggles?
As with anything related to being human, there is no one solution that fits every situation. Parents have their own unique personalities, gifts, and needs, and so do their children.
Every child will challenge a parent to use different parenting skills at different times in their lives.
As a parent, despite the abundance of parenting books, you may still wonder, what is the magic formula to child-raising?
The thing is, there is no magic formula. There are tools, strategies, suggestions, and researched insights available. But know that loving parents can have children who struggle. Families that are dysfunctional can have kids who manage their lives well. There are no easy answers here.
But let’s dig a little deeper into what goes into effective parenting.
When you have a child who struggles, be it with drugs, alcohol, lack of motivation, or a myriad of other challenges, most parents question themselves and wonder, “Where did I go wrong?”
There are many diverse families these days. The traditional two-parent household is not the norm. More moms are in the workforce, and many continue to produce children who are happily adjusted.
Rather than looking at the “success” of your children, what went into your parenting process is something to consider. A great parent is someone who has taken the time and made the effort to give their child a loving home. It does not mean you have produced perfect children.
Our children need healthy, caring, responsible adult role models. With peer pressure at an all-time high, it is challenging to raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted children. Children can be led astray into unhealthy, dysfunctional, or even antisocial behaviors.
Mind-altering drugs are a constant temptation for young people across the country. Alcohol and prescription drugs continue to be a problem with some adolescents.
Parents have more influence over their kids than most people realize. Life skills and emotional development begin at home. Parents teach their children through their words and by example. These early lessons stay with a child long into their adulthood and often throughout their life.
What you do is so often more important than what you say. Kids observe their parents long after they’ve stopped listening to them.
Find a way to relate to your child.
Troubled teens often conclude that they will never be understood by their parents. They feel their parents are models of perfection. When parents do not express their feelings, they are often hiding behind their role as a parent. Yet this emotional silence can be harmful to a child.
An effective parent reveals himself to his child instead. These parents acknowledge that they, too, are a work in progress. They’ve experienced the same emotions as their child. They feel comfortable being open about how they felt in a similar situation. The great parent lets the child know that they understand their child’s feelings.
For example, if your child is using substances, while you may not have gone down this path, you can do the work to understand why this behavior is rewarding for your child. This understanding can lower your fear and anxiety. It can increase your empathy toward your child.
Allow your child to express their innermost feelings without judgment. While your child may have different interests, it helps to make time to really get to know and understand your child as a person. Support who your child is at the deepest level.
You may find it hard to relate to your son or daughter at times. It is helpful to find a way to connect with your child. This bond will bring you closer. It will let your child know that you are there for them when they need you.
Our children, unfortunately, have ample opportunity for self-destruction. They don’t have to look very far to find dysfunctional ways to deal with their problems, which didn’t exist in the past.
The emotions are the same. Take time to understand your child’s feelings and not their actions. Provide examples of how you felt when you were young. Your child will realize that you had similar feelings growing up, even if it was around a different issue. This is the way to build a stronger relationship with your child.
When your child realizes that you can relate to his feelings, he will believe that you do understand what he is going through.
Share with your child how you struggled and learned from your experiences, and that you continue to struggle and learn. You will then become a real person to your child, not only a parental figure.
This does not mean that you have to condone your child’s actions. You can relate to your child without agreeing with what they are doing. Relating to your child in a human way brings you closer and opens the door for better communication.
Communicate with your child in a positive way.
Communication is the most powerful skill you can develop and use. It improves everyone’s life and helps your child change if they are struggling.
Good communication skills are essential. It is usually the first thing to go when things start to get emotional.
Hearing your child is 90% of the communication challenge. Being heard by their parent is empowering and comforting for any child. The other 10% involves speaking. Yet for any young person, listening to their parents drone on and on is a quick way for eyes to glaze over and ears to plug up.
Don’t start a negative conversation. Rather, check that it is a two-way discussion, not a monologue or a lecture. Look for the “green lights” in any conversation with your child.
The following are the seven elements of positive communication from the CRAFT approach. They are simple, yet challenging at times. It may take practice, but worth the effort!
- Be brief and stick to the point.
- Be specific rather than giving vague criticism, requests, or feedback. Give a specific example of what you are asking for.
- Be positive by telling your child what you want to see rather than what you don’t want to see.
- Label your feelings, but try to keep them less intense. Stating an emotion is helpful in a conversation.
- Offer an understanding statement so that the other person believes that you get why he is acting the way he is.
- Take partial responsibility, which can be tough. However, it increases the other person’s willingness to listen to you and to be more motivated to change.
Offer to help. Saying something like, “Is there anything I can do to help you? can help the relationship and generate some creative ideas.
As a parent, be a role model for your child.
Parents have tremendous power when they show their teens or young adults how to be, rather than tell them what to do.
“You are what you do, not what you say.”
When you live your lesson, you are more believable and powerful. Kids watch their parents’ actions, values, belief, and even their expressions. They learn by observing your behavior and noting the consequences of your actions.
Set an example with how you interact with the outside world. You will contribute to your child’s growth and development. This is how your child learns the values that they will now carry throughout their life.
From Family First, by Dr. Phil, here are some questions you can ask yourself about your role modeling skills:
- Do you model a life of passion and purpose, where you feel vibrant and alive, or does your life include things, such as your job, that you constantly complain about and profess to hate?
- Do you model taking good care of yourself physically, or do you eat junk food, continue to be overweight, smoke cigarettes, or not exercise?
- Do you effectively resolve conflicts with other people, or do you withdraw, stomp your feet, slam doors, get mad, or do everything you can to avoid confrontations?
- Does your family see you handling life’s disappointments with a rational, positive strategy, or do you medicate with addictive behaviors?
- Do you model financial responsibility with regard to your bills and dealings, or do you overindulge and live beyond your means?
- Do you model high morals by avoiding such behaviors as gossiping, lying, cheating, and cursing?
- Do you model social responsibility by volunteering at your church, school, or local shelters and hospitals?
- Do you model properly defined self-worth and self-esteem based on character traits?
- Does your family see you reaching for something more, or have you gotten too comfortable in the unthreatening sameness of your life?
- Do you model competency in situations, or does fear slip into your interactions?
- Do you approach problems and setbacks as opportunities, or label every problem a crisis?
- Do you model relationships with other people who are loving, affirming, and supportive, or do you criticize other people, tear them down, or talk behind their backs?
- Do you go through the day with energy, feeling totally alive, or are you constantly tired, stressed, emotionally flat, or even depressed, worried, and unhappy?
- Do you spend genuine time with your family, including being involved in and supporting their activities, or do you beg off because you’ve “got too much on your plate”?
Since this is all about relationship building, even if your child is an adolescent or young adult, it’s never too late to work on being an effective parent. Take a deep breath. Look at what you are doing well. Also, look at what you could do differently, especially if your child is struggling.
Anyone can be a great parent. All it takes is your willingness to make a great effort and be the best parent that you can be.
Thank you for reading. You can get more tips in my email newsletter. Every other week, I share tips and ideas to help parents motivate their son or daughter to change if they are struggling with substance use. Join us by entering your email now.
